No Rest For The Wicked

Rest is still very difficult for me. I am stubborn, I push myself a little too hard. I’m in denial and I don’t like to be told I can’t do something. Chronic disease is not new to me, but heart and lung disease is. 

The past year of my life has really put things into perspective. I never knew how sick I actually was, because I was so used to living with these symptoms. It became my new normal. I basically spent the last year in the hospital either taking care of Renee or myself. I became physically weak, and my lifestyle changed drastically. Again, living with chronic illness means

you are always toeing the line of how sick is too sick.

I can do sedentary activities and light housework, no problem. However, going to the grocery store and carrying in groceries…I might as well run a marathon. Spending most of the day standing, trying to enjoy myself at my daughter’s memorial birthday party. Ironman. It isn’t until times like these where I have to say, you need to rest. This is your body telling you that you are still healing. 

There are some days I can’t get out of bed until the afternoon. I literally just wore myself out too much. My body and mind need to sleep, even if its 12+ hours. I hate days like that, because I hate not being productive. I don’t know why, but I feel like I always need to be doing something. There is always a task that needs done. 

monica geller GIF

Making myself rest has been the most difficult part in my coping and healing. My whole life as I knew it was wiped clean. I felt and still feel like I have no purpose. The person I was no longer exists. 

It’s not failing, it’s not quitting. I have to look back and remind myself all that I have been through. I deserve to rest, I deserve a break. Rest is not a sign of weakness. To heal is to rest. 

You don’t always have to do everything. You don’t have to take care of everything. Just rest, relax, & recover. 

Not only is it important to rest your body, but also your mind. After this past year, my mind is occupied with intrusive thoughts. I find myself questioning my actions, my future, and my own wellbeing. Is this medicine helping? Am I feeling better? What am I going to do if I can’t work? The list goes on…

2 thoughts on “No Rest For The Wicked

  1. Not taking care of myself is definitely one of my weaknesses!! It’s hard to stop and focus on me when I’m always wanting to tend to others. Sleep in late. Kick your feet up. Ask for help. You deserve it!

    1. Absolutely! Unfortunately rest is all too often portrayed as a sign of weakness vs a necessity. We all deserve a little self care every now and then 🙂

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